NEW! *The Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson Awards* (Still Celebrating Royal Assholes)

 

In honor of Mel Gibson’s recent career-ending tirades, we hereby rename the Royal Asshole of the Day Award to the Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson Award, in recognition of he who is bat-shit crazy.

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 #4 Braveheart, My Ass.

So, even if  my approach towards the opposite sex began with the ridiculous notion that men are from Mars and women come from Venus, common sense would tell me that such is not always the case. Not all men are Martians, metaphorically speaking. Realistically speaking, a man like Mel Gibson for example, is a giant asshole, clearly an inhabitant of the planet Uranus; as such he is an exception to the rule.

Not that we didn’t know that before.

But if we started to forget, Mr. Gibson would like to remind us that he is still king of douchebags everywhere.

Some may remember Gibson’s ugly drunken tirade 4 years ago, where he allegedly went off on an anti-semitic rant (while being arrested for a DUI) blaming Jewish people for “all the wars in the world,” but not before calling the female officer on the scene “sugartits.”

But did you know that Gibson has actually been talking out of his ass for nearly two decades now? His earliest epithets trace back to a homophobic 1991 interview with Spanish newspaper El Pais and soon after in 1995 with Playboy magazine (a publication I wouldn’t think included any actual words, but ok. . .) where he refused to apologize for the previously published hateful dialogue.

It shouldn’t then come as a surprise to find that someone whose professional and historically inaccurate work resonates with his personal Neanderthal-like beliefs is once again firing off a hateful, offensive mouthful of threats against his homewrecker of a baby mama some chick whose name I don’t care to know, in a phone conversation that has recently “leaked” on to the internet.

Telling your “significant other” that she deserves to be raped and hit and all that is just fucked up. It’s fucked up. And the racial slurs are equally offensive. N*gg*rs and w*tb*cks? : : Ugh : : I think I just got that vomit taste in my mouth. (Not that that was some rare moment in which someone was putting those words to use. People speak like this every fucking day and you know it’s true). And while we don’t know if this particular Neanderthal is guilty of the alleged physical abuse towards his girlfriend, the language is bad enough and an abuse all its own.

You know, I’m not much of a sweet talker myself. Being called “snookums” or “baby” doesn’t exactly work for me. But neither would having a boyfriend call me a whore (not that anyone has ever dared. And the only digits any man who thinks it would be okay to do so could get from me is 911 because I would definitely fuck him up and put him in a goddamn coma). What’s up with boyfriends not knowing how to speak to their girlfriends and fathers not communicating well with their daughters? What’s up with husbands cheating on their wives and getting caught on tape, too? How about trying harder to think before you speak. And for God’s sake, I’m sure even extraterrestrials use protection, so why can’t Earthlings wear condoms? Yuck.

As George Carlin once said, “men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” Congratulations, Mel Gibson, for not knowing how to deal with humans, or act like one.

(*Honorable Mention: Sharon “the Obtuse” Angle)

  

  

#3 Another Annoying Goalie at the World Cup

The balls at the 2010 FIFA World Cup have been “acting oddly” according to these people here, here, and here. But the real story should be about the dicks that are playing the goalie positions in this tournament. It started with Blunderboy (a.k.a. Robert Green), the goalie from England whose gaffe at the match against the United States can only be rivaled by Joe Biden. On the other hand, this shit was worth hearing the hilarious remarks of the commentators on Univision (the only channel to watch during these games), joke about Green having his “guantes llenos de mantequilla!”

And just when you think the English team can’t embarass themselves anymore this happens. Germany thrashed England in the knockout round with a final score of 4-1. Some have argued that it could have been a much more different game had this shot by one Frank Lampard in the first half been counted by the ref.

But it wasn’t.

And now we know it was because of this guy.

Manuel Neuer (or MaNeuer as I’m now referring to him), the goalie for Germany, who played at the aforementioned event revealed today that he in fact saw the ball go in but “conned” the referee into discrediting the English complaints. How nice of him to admit that “it should have been a goal for England,” in the wake of the brutal homecoming the losing team has received since their early departure from the Cup. Just another reason why I look forward to watching my team, Argentina, led by the greatest footballer in the world right now (and possibly the g.o.a.t.), Lionel Messi, destroy Germany on Saturday in the quarter finals. Until then, I salute the #1 jersey and #1 Royal Asshole of the Day, Manuel Neuer of Germany! Congratulations, no one has smelled of more BULLSHIT than you, MaNeuer.

(*Honorable Mention: John Mayer)

 

#2: What you talkin ’bout, Shannon!?

 When I first found out that Gary Coleman was murdered died, something just didn’t feel right. I started bitching to my sister about it:”I’m telling you, dude, he was murdered. . .there’s something funny about this. . .”

That was before the details of his controversial death came to light and I learned that he was married to one crazy bitch. This is why $hannon Pri¢e a.k.a. Mrs. Arnold, receives today’s Royal Asshole of the Day Award, for maybe, probably, sorta killing the dude from Diff’rent Strokes. First of all, the circumstances of his death are so shady that no one even knows how he ended up in the intensive care unit with an intercranial hemorrhage. . .or why. It was some kind of “accident.” I’m not saying this bitch deliberately killed him and all, (somehow she doesn’t strike me as a meticulously calculating woman, although she has provided a very sound, logical argument for ending Coleman’s life as that “chunk of his brain” would likely have bled him to death) but I’ve heard in the past, here and there, about them having domestic issues which makes me raise at least one cynical eyebrow. Yet what pisses me off the most, (and frankly, screams of a cover-up), is the fact that Gary Coleman was taken off of life support less than 24 hours after arriving at the hospital, even though he had expressed his wishes to the contrary. He was on his deathbed that Thursday and was gone by Friday the next day at Noon.Then we find out that this chick was already divorced from him and pulled the plug as his ex-wife. On top of that we hear that someone (I wonder who) was shopping around pictures of Coleman during his last moments of life (and a couple which were post-mortem photographs) to various tabloids, one of which surprisingly refused to view or purchase them out of sheer disgust. And then if that weren’t enough, we also found out that Coleman had a restraining order placed against his ex-wife at the time of his death. Estranged from his parents, (who are now feuding with Price and calling for an investigation of their son’s death), and having a turbulent relationship with his wife, Gary Coleman has not been given a proper funeral in the days since his death, and was instead cremated where his ashes are now spread God knows where. It’s all very sad. I don’t care who the fuck you are, and what kind of sins you have to atone for. A person should be given his fair chance to fight for his life when he is confronted with death. Shannon Price did not allow Gary Coleman to have his proper chance. She didn’t even bother to let his parents know she was about to end their son’s life. And for now, I salute you for having your HEAD UP YOUR ASS! Congrats!

(*Honorable Mention: John Mayer)

  

 

#1: Dude that Apologized to BP

It is my honor to announce the recipient of the Soup‘s very first Asshole Award. Indeed, it was quite difficult to decide amongst a plethora of veritable candidates, (including, but not limited to: Sen. Jim Bunning (R.-KY), Sen. Ben Nelson (D.-NE), and most recently, Gov. Jan Brewer (R.-AZ), who have all given some of the best cheeky performances so far this year. But there is only one who can come out on top and be the cream of the crap. And apologizing to BP for the recent $20 billion dollar “shakedown” when BP has yet to express sincere remorse for the catastrophe in the Gulf guarantees you the top prize. Only a Royal Asshole could master that kinda ass-backwards logic. The only thing worse than that is if someone started blaming environmentalists for the spill itself. Anyway, Congratulations, Representative Joe Barton (R.-TX) for TALKING OUT OF YOUR ASS!

(*Honorable Mention: John Mayer)